So here I am, I have just got home from our friends house, two couples, one couple pregnant and I couldn't help looking at her baby bump (7 months) without getting jealous. I hate that it brings out that emotion. Don't get me wrong I am happy for my friends but I'm just.....wistful. A couple of mulled wines and copious amounts of cheese seemed to dull the ache. I spend much of the latter part of this year OBSESSING over whether or not I will ever get pregnant. My poor, poor husband. I wonder how many times he's heard 'will we ever have a baby'.
After a 'normal' laproscopy in July the consultant told me that I have as good a chance as IVF in the following six months and so as each month passed and still no baby I can honestly say it is the most I've felt like it is never going to happen for me. Last month I went back to the consultant and he said its time to try IVF. In my gut I was always sure IVF was the only way it was going to happen and a year ago I couldn't wait to get started. However now its on my doorstep and I'm freaking out. I think its more the fact that if it doesn't work what the hell do we do?? I think in my head I was thinking 'There is always IVF' but now its like the last chance saloon. We are already stretching ourselves financially as we are going private and if it doesn't work I don't even know if I could put myself through it again. It honestly doesn't bear thinking about but I can't seem to stop thinking the worst. I've got to the stage where I think its physically not possible. After four years maybe I just can't carry a baby. On the bright side I have the most amazing, caring, loving husband who is just so damn positive he is 100% it is going to happen in January and I don't want to dissapoint him by my negativity. Do you think negativity is a factor in IVF? I'm stressing that because I don't think it can happen it won't.
December has been a funny month so far. We found out that a friend of ours committed suicide and its knocked me for six, such a shock and really got me thinking about meaning of life. He was only 27. I feel horrendous saying this but its actually helped me take my mind off the baby business. I am very grateful for what I have a wonderful family, husband, dogs and friends. You forget that other people have problems they may not be the same as yours but they can be just as bad or worse. A quote I love is 'Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle'.
Yesterday I phoned the clinic as it was the first day of my period. I now have 21 days until I start the injections that put me in temporary menopause. This is really happening. They have asked for full payment by 10 December and I'm still waiting for the credit card to pay for it!! I'm also wondering how to approach work as I won't know when I need time off.
One day at a time... I will keep you posted.... for now I'm going to try and enjoy Christmas. This time next year I could be bouncing a baby on my knee, stranger things have happened I'm sure!
Happy Christmas and baby dust for the New Year.
